Pressure & Diamonds

Previous to recent events, I had an issue with motivation and initiating tasks. With much discipline and practice I was able to somewhat overcome this trait. I was able to accomplish that by establishing routines throughout my life. I loathe obligatory daily routines, but nonetheless work must be finished, houses must be cleaned, and self care should be a priority.

Many of the routines I grounded myself with are gone. I am now in the position of needing to reestablish new routines.

Some of the routines are the same as before and some are different.

Despite the hand issues I have developed semi-recently, I have been weightlifting again.

I am working on creating other routines, especially surrounding self care.

I am trying to get back into things that previously brought me a lot of joy and excitement.

I am doing the things I have heard I am supposed to do to take care of myself. It would be so easy for me to choose to stay in bed. It would be so easy to hide under the covers and pretend none of this is happening.

Mentally, I know I have not entirely made the decision to be brave yet. I am going through the motions, making routines. I am not brave, I am pretending to be. I am telling myself the narrative I need to hear so I do not give up.

I am training again. I am not training to look a type of way this go around. I am not training to impress anyone or even myself.

I am practicing the art of enduring uncomfortable things. I want to see how much pressure I can apply to myself in this space. I should preface that I am surely not doing anything extreme or without professional advice.

A bit masochistic and a tad dramatic admitting that, but how else am I supposed to deal with these things?

When I was in college, I took a handful of geology classes. We talked endlessly about rocks and minerals in that class.

But what is it they say, that diamonds take an immense amount of pressure to form?

These days I am feeling awfully like a metamorphic rock. Changed by heat and pressure so much that the mineral composition is entirely different.

I am not an advocate for filming oneself in a commercial gym nor do I film myself there often—it is good to check in on your form.

But dang I am proud of myself for getting back to it.