Vigilance, In the face of Evil

I have previously mentioned that I stand up for others. That is true.

I have always chosen to throw myself into the fire to protect someone or something I care about.

This blog is about my mom, yes. But I do want to touch on how things used to be. It gives perspective of how things are different. Things are not all different in a bad way. I do try to romanticize life. I do that because I know what it was like back then. It was much worse.

My biological father is someone I do not call dad. He is no role model.

My father prides himself and actively brags about his temper. Nearly all his life he has been a very sick alcoholic. He has made all of the wrong choices, said all the wrong words, made all of the immoral and harmful actions.

My father chose to leave my mom alone with her children for the fifteen or so years they were together. Every opportunity he was given to impress, he disappointed. I have many memories of his absence and his choice of being absent. Nonetheless, he will tarnish my mother’s name time and time again for leaving him. I do not think he will ever admit that his life is a culmination of his poor choices and words.

He is bizarre, angry, and bold. I had to change my phone number so he would stop sending me hateful messages. He is mad that I do not bend for him. That I too have walked away.

He would attack and abuse my little sister and I would stand up to him—I would walk over hot coals for what I believe in. He would do this frequently. I was in middle school when I started to do this.

He would attack her for having a voice. He wants to silence me, her, and anyone else who does not subscribe to his delusions.

When I would do this, he would threaten to ruin my life through various attempts. Financially was his usual route. He made a lot of money and he feels as though supporting his children financially is an option. It was his choice to have multiple kids.

If you asked him, I owe him thousands. If you asked me, it was his responsibility that he did not do a good job doing.

I needed a calculator for math class when I was entering middle school. He made a lot of money, yet he refused to buy me a calculator for class. I purchased my own with the money I made myself.

He would try to make me drop out of college with his threats of pulling the rug out from under me. He would try to control my money and he would threaten my transportation. My general security.

He would offer his money sometimes if I was in a desperate spot. I never have been spoiled financially and I have worked at least one or two jobs for a very long time. He would offer at the right time, only to threaten to take it back at the worst moment possible.

It is one thing to be tight on money, it is another entirely to have too much and withhold support for the sake of power.

Despite the anger, the threats, and all that would come with interacting with him, I was the only one to stand up to him.

He thinks he is the biggest animal in the jungle. He thinks he has the loudest roar, the hardest bite, and the most intense venom.

He would try to break my spirit regularly, but he could not.

I most likely will die a martyr I joke.

I tell this story to you for various reasons. Partially to give you perspective. This blog is not about my relationship with my father.

But I do want people reading this to know how hard I will fight for my mom given how hard I have fought for others in the past.

My mom survived her husband. She is fighting hard enough against cancer.

I will take the burden of the rest of the fighting. It is only natural to me.