Nowhere Fast

I am going to use a stupid analogy. But just go with it—I took a lot of science classes back in the day.

Today, I am debating and questioning all of this. Everything I have poured myself into passionately.

I know that stars throughout the galaxy eventually die. They eat up their own energy and then collapse. The bigger the star, the shorter the lifespan.

I am not alluding that I am some big star. But in this analogy, my creativity is a star. I have burned brighter than I was supposed to, and now I have collapsed. All that is leftover is just some void of a black hole.

That is the best way to phrase how I feel about myself today.

I put myself into hyperdrive to fight this fight. Burned too bright, too hot at an unsustainable rate.

I was working eighty hours between my day job, my side job, taking care of my mom in a different state. I was trying to take care of myself and have interests. I was trying to have motivation and fire to enjoy being alive. I was genuinely enjoying myself despite circumstances, but it came crashing down.

You might read this, and find this awfully dramatic. There is plenty of context I will not go into.

I thought about deleting my website entirely. More context I cannot discuss.

My entire art career has been a culmination of all the things my mom has exposed me to over my lifetime. But is it a stupid and pointless dream to have? Probably.

I want to hide, but there is no where to hide. I want to give up on myself and just conform. I should be the person other people want me to be. I would hate to continue to be a source of inconvenience, annoyance, and an expense to those around me. All for the sake of following my dreams.

This situation reminds me of a quote from the song below:

"That boy's going nowhere fast
He can't get his head out his ass
He's chasing the devil, he's too high to realize this pipe dream
It ain't gonna last"

-Nowhere Fast, Evan Honer

I do not know what comes next for me.